Things You Can't Say Until They Are Gone
by CrimzonChyld
Summary: Sam just needs Dean to know some things. Rating for language.


**First, I don't do tragedy or major character death or anything that doesn't have a happy ending. This will probably be the saddest thing I ever write.**

**Second, this is neither het nor slash, it's what you want it to be. If you want to read it as Wincest, that's awesome, if not that's awesome too, it's up to you.**

**If you like it, let me know, if you don't, be kind!**

******I do not own nor am I affiliated with Supernatural, WB, CW, Kripke Enterprises, actors, or other affiliates there of. No profit is being made from this.**

* * *

It is night on a desert road and Sam Winchester sits on the Impala's trunk contemplating the star strewn sky.

* * *

I miss you.

I'm sorta glad you're not around for this though. If you were I'd never be able to tell you any of this. It's not that I wouldn't miss you because you would be here, it's because you'd never let me say any of it. All that crap about chick flick moments. I get it, talking, exposing emotions, it makes you uncomfortable. I think you believe it makes you seem weak or something and you've always had to be strong, keep your game face on. I also know that it was mostly for my benefit, growing up you were looking out for me, had to be strong so I would believe you when you said we'd be okay, that Dad would be okay.

I can imagine, where ever you are, you'll be rolling your eyes and snorting and turning away from everything I have to say. That's okay, I know you're still listening.

I miss you.

I miss the fact that you always had something to say about my "girly" hair when you were the one who was always using styling products, spiking up your hair the way you liked it.

I miss your eyes.

Shut up.

I miss your eyes, the way they crinkled at the corners when you smiled. The different shades of green. How you wide they got when you were being particularly earnest. Did you know that when you lower your head and look up, you look a little a little cross-eyed?

I miss the spray of freckles across your nose. I don't know why but there was something about the fact that you became this war weary hero but you never lost those freckles.

I miss your huge, shit eating grin. I miss your cocky, irritating smirk. I miss the way you opened beer bottles with your ring. I miss the way you'd sprawl out on a hotel bed when you finally let yourself feel tired. I miss watching you work on the Imapala, hell, I miss the way you obsessed over her endlessly. Yeah, I called her a her, you always hated it when I called her "it".

I miss your voice, your laugh. I miss calling you a jerk. I miss you calling me a bitch or even accusing me of being a girl like I know you're doing right now.

I miss your charisma and they way you could talk yourself into and out of anything.

I miss you flirting with any woman, any time, any where.

I miss rock, paper, scissors.

I miss sparing with you, I miss shoving matches, I miss exchanging punches, I miss even miss the teasing and the outright mocking. I miss being annoyed by you whether you were listening to music at ear splitting levels or I was trying to research and you couldn't stay still.

I miss back when you used to always take the bed closest to the door. For all I wanted us to be equals, it just made me feel better. It was one of those few time you let how much you cared about me show.

I miss you calling me Sammy.

I miss you being taller than me. That's kinda weird, I know. I mean, I like being taller than you, I miss being called Sasquatch and gigantor. But I miss when you used to tower over me, it just always reminded me that you were my big brother.

I miss my big brother.

There are things that I still resent though.

You already know I resented your blind faith in Dad. We don't need to go through that again.

I resent that you never let me be strong for you. You were always there for me but I feel like you never really let me be there for you. Again, I think you were just so used to being the tough one. That you always had to be a rock for me. I think that was mostly my fault too. I always looked to you for reassurance, never a thought that maybe you didn't have all the answers, that maybe you were scared too sometimes, maybe you were tired too sometimes. But you would always reassure me before anything else because you needed me to be okay. Maybe that was your solace, maybe that's how you could deal with so much, as long as I was okay you could be okay too.

You never really opened up to me. Even if I can almost understand that, it still makes me mad sometimes.

I think it's funny that you thought you could hide your feeling from me. I've only been watching you my entire life, I've studied everything you've done since I could remember. I wanted to be just like you, strong like you, brave like you.

I resent that you never seemed to think I could take care of myself. That you felt like you had to watch my every move and that you had to keep me safe. I know, you were always afraid that something would happen, you didn't want me to be hurt, you needed me even if you couldn't say it. It just feels like you never thought I could do anything myself. That I was helpless . . . even weak.

I hate that you thought I didn't care about our family. You thought I didn't respect Dad, that you thought I didn't care about the both of you. I hate that you threw away the amulet. That cut me to the core and I never told you that. I want to make one thing clear to you right now. I never ran away from my family. I never left you. I ran from _hunting_, I left _hunting_, it was the hunting not my family that I hated. Hunting has taken everything from me and I hate it but I never hated you. And I will never blame you for anything that has happened because of hunting.

I love you.

You can scoff and say you know that all you want but you never let me say it. You can't stop me now though.

I love you.

. . .

I wish we hugged more.

Shut up.

I do. So I'm a girl, so I'm gay, so what? I like hugging you. I like being close to you.

Which brings us back to me missing you.

I miss you so much sometimes. There's a physical hole inside of me. You're like a phantom limb, like I can feel you next to me sometimes. I keep expecting to see you next to me in the car, in the other bed of the motel I'm in. I buy your favorite beer even if I want some thing else.

I'll tell you a secret and don't you dare laugh . . . never mind, I know you will. I got some of that hair gel you used and I put it on the bathroom counter. I just need to see it, like there's a part of you here. I have your guns and knives, I have the Impala. I don't know why a little hair gel makes me feel closer to you but it does.

I can't promise to look for you. It's not that I don't want to it's just that I don't think I can do this anymore. It hurts too much. It never worked anyway, we always look and we don't get shit. The only reason we've ever come back is because of angels. I think right now I'm just afraid, if I do find you, what shape will you be in? And how long will I have you? Something will happen, it always does.

I will make one promise though.

I promise you that even if I never have you back in this life I will find you in the next. I will traverse the world, I will search heaven and hell and purgatory to find you. I will find you. When I do, I will never leave your side again. I can promise you that.

Because I miss you.

Because I love you.

Because you are the other half of my soul.

I just need to know one thing.

I think maybe, we might get another chance. We could come back to earth and be born again. If we can I want to know, will you wait for me? Will you wait until we're together on the other side so that if we can, we can go back together? Maybe this time I can be the older brother, I can take care of you for a change. That's what I wanted all along.

If we can't go back, will you still wait for me? No matter where you are now, will you wait for me to find you?

* * *

There comes a whispered reply carried on the western wind.

_Always._


End file.
